Learning to Live Where God has Me

Writing this post has been on my mind for some time now; in fact I started a related post once, but didn't finish it because I really don't want to have it come across as pity-seeking, or to make anyone feel guilty. Rather, to share my struggle and subsequently what God has done in my life, and my family's life over the past several years. I write this for those who might be in a place (both literal and figurative) of discontent, and for myself, so I can remember this period in my life.

Last month marked the eighth anniversary of moving from the city to this small town. We had prayed for a small town, and God answered that prayer with a "Yes!" when my husband was called to pastor a church up here. I still remember the day we moved into the little white house on the corner. So many people from church were there to unload our moving truck, that everything was in the house in about 45 minutes. My whole family came up and pitched in to help us move. When the time came for them to drive back south, we said our goodbyes, they left, and I stood in the middle of the living room and cried tears of facing the unknown. An unknown town, unknown people, the unknown of living away from family. So many unknowns.

We knew that this is what God had called us to, and we were grateful for the many people who welcomed and befriended us (especially the ones who wanted to be our friends because of us, not just because we were the Pastor and his wife.) But still, those first couple of years were lonely for me. The winters were long, and I had two, then soon three young children cooped up in the house. It was also the first time I was a full time stay at home mom, so that could have contributed to my sense of loneliness. Not having adult conversation all day can take it's toll. ;) 

I'm not sure if in the back of my mind, I've always thought of this assignment in this location as temporary, but in the past couple of years, I've had this thought many times, "Oh my goodness. I think we might be here for a very long time." You could read that thought with a couple different tones of voice. Maybe you read it with a sense of joy, but most of the time that thought is accompanied by a feeling of something resembling dread, shock, and denial; even though those words seems somewhat drastic.

There have been many times in the past couple of years when I've just wanted to leave, but I knew all along that leaving would not be the solution to my discontent. God keeps us here for good reason.

When my husband made the switch from being a pastor at a local church to chaplain at a nearby prison, we thought we'd have to move to another state for a while, and then perhaps come back when a position opened up at the prison he wanted to be at. Instead, God made it happen so he could go straight to the prison that is in our area. We marvel at how He worked out all of the details - down to where our house is located, making his commute just a bit shorter. There's no doubt about his call to pastoring a local church, no doubt about his call to chaplaincy, and no doubt about his call for us to be here.

So if we prayed for a small town, and we have seen God's hand in the details, then why have I struggled to feel at home here? I don't necessarily know the why, but I do know that in the past two years God has been doing a big work in my heart. 

I've begun to accept that we'll be here for a while, with a little less dread at each realization. Our kids have made great friends, and for them, this is home. We've got a Godly church family who points us to Christ in all things. We have a group of homeschool friends with whom we gather weekly to study and play. (I always say that our co-op is my sanity that gives me perseverence in this homeschool thing.) Many things have come together that make living here, a place I have a love-hate relationship with, more of a love relationship.

I've also come to realize that through pain, God brings about tremendous growth and blessing.

Genesis 50:19-20 says, "But Joseph said to them, 'Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.'" 

Joseph's brothers, who had sold him into slavery were before him, afraid that he would punish them for their actions years before. Instead, Joseph saw God's hand in all of it, even though along the way he was enslaved, unrightfully accused, and imprisoned for years. Though I might wish certain things didn't have to happen the way they did, I am grateful because through trial has come deeper faith and greater contentment.

This photo and the race my kids participated in today is symbolic for me. Last winter, we found some second-hand cross country boots and skis and tried our hand cross country skiing. This is significant, because cross-country skiing is part of the culture here, and we hadn't done much with it until almost seven years in. We joked that since we'd been here for seven years now, it was about time we started participating in things. For me it symbolizes settling in; engaging in the traditions around us; acceptance.

God has us in this place, and I am learning to live here and now instead of waiting to live somewhere else. Though it's been hard, it's also been rich with blessing.

When God Disciplines His Children

It was 8:00. The time of night when my patience usually is gone for the day. The time when all I want is to get the kids in bed, and do my own thing for a while before I go to bed. If any of my kids have extra needs after they are in bed (like a drink of water, a trip to the bathroom, or a bedtime snack....you know, the usual stall tactics), I'm not usually excited to oblige. This is MY time!

Then I heard it. A strange, soft sound coming from my son's room. Then louder cries. I hurried to his room, because he doesn't cry much at bedtime anymore. When I saw him, he was covered in puke. I stood there. Somewhat at a loss, not knowing what to do first. He was crying, and really just wanted me to pick him up, but I'll admit that I really didn't want to cuddle at the moment.

I finally got my bearings, enlisted help from daddy who got him bathed and snuggled while I changed his bedsheets.

Apparently in addition to honing my vomit-cleaning skills, God had a deeper lesson in this for me. The next morning, I opened up "New Morning Mercies," by Paul Tripp, and the main point for the day was this: "Christ's sacrifice satisfied the Father's anger so that, as his child, you will receive his discipline but need not fear his wrath." This particular day had two scripture passages to read.

The first was Hebrews 12:7-11:
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom    his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then    you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 

Oddly, there is comfort in knowing that the discipline that I received from God is proof that I am his daughter. As I read through this passage and thought about the night before, I saw that God was truly teaching me something. It wasn't pleasant, but he used my sick son to discipline me, and it was for my own good. I could choose to view it as an annoyance, or I could choose to view it as a chance to grow in righteousness.

Job 5:17 & 18 was the next passage that I read.
 
Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; 
therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty.
For he wounds, but he binds up;
he shatters, but his hands heal.

The impatience that shows up promptly at 8:00 nearly every night is rooted in selfishness. It is about what I deserve, and I deserve a break! What I need to learn over, and over, and over again is that life is not about me. Life is about serving God through serving my children, my husband, and those around me. And what a better way to teach me to serve, than to use a puke-covered child and bed during MY time?

God disciplined me that night. Like the loving Father he is, He taught me that even though I think I have nothing left to give, He can work through me to show compassion to a sick child. That when I think my time belongs to me, it in fact belongs to Him. That my impatience is sin, and it needs to be replaced by kindness. That He loves me, and like I discipline my children because I love them, He disciplines me because of his love for me.

Master Bath Make-over

I've posted before about my Christmas present that my husband gave me in 2016, but if you don't recall (I don't really expect you to remember what I got for Christmas), my husband gave me a bathroom remodel. We laugh about it now, because he thought it would be something like a coat, or two of paint on the one sheet rocked wall in the bathroom and some new linoleum on the floor, but I had other ideas. Hence, the reason it has taken a year to finish the project! He took on some things that he's never done before, and he did a pretty good job if I do say so myself!

Our master bathroom was a selling point for us when we bought the house. It was like the cherry on the already very tasty sundae. We walked through the property, and the house trying not to show too much excitement to the realtor. Then when we went into the master bath, it really solidified that we loved this house!

As it is when you live in a place for a while, you figure out ways to make it your own, and the bathroom was one of those things. Not that I disliked the bathroom...well, except maybe the pine cone border. But I wanted to tweak it a little - okay, a lot.

Here are some before pictures:

 
You can't see the pine cone border, but it's on the cream colored wall.

And some during pictures:

And the finished product! I really, really like how it turned out, and can I add that I'm thankful for my handy husband who tackled a huge project for me?

A Day in the Homeschool Life

A friend recently asked me what our typical homeschool day looks like. What followed was a response that was probably more than she expected, because the writer in me just kept on going as I told her through a facebook message what our homeschool day looks like.

I thought I'd share my thoughts here too in case someone else can glean something from it. Every family works differently in their home school, and different things work for different people, so I don't expect anyone to copy exactly what we do, nor do I try to do things exactly the way someone else does. We can learn from each other, and apply what works.

Here's what we do:

When the school bus goes by, we are still in jammies, and often eating breakfast while watching a morning cartoon. I try to spend this time upstairs reading my Bible, which is a key factor in how our day goes.

I have a visual list on the fridge that helps the kids remember what things they need to get done in the morning. They need to get dressed, make their bed, brush their teeth and hair, and do one chore for the day. Sometimes all of it gets done, sometimes it doesn't. It depends on how much I hold them to it. Some days are better than others.

Our school day usually starts around 9:00; it's flexible. Each kid has a day when they decide what order we do our subjects, so every day looks different. We started doing this a few years ago because  I discovered that my oldest functions best when he has a little control over his school day.

At the beginning of the week, I fill out their binders with their assignments for the week, and this is where they go multiple times a day to choose their next subject/assignment to work on.

On Mondays, we have co-op where we have science, art, spanish and piano, so in my opinion, that's enough for one day for my first grader. My third grader does at least math after co-op. More on our co-op in another post. They are such a blessing, and sustain my homeschooling sanity!

We take Thursdays off, because my husband's days off from work are in the middle of the week. Saturday is our catch-up day in case we missed anything during the week.

We used to school in the basement, where we have a cute school corner, and a great closet where all sorts of homeschooling supplies are stored, but as the year went on, we'd end up at the kitchen table. So this year we started at the kitchen table, which works so much better for me because I can multitask throughout the day. While the kids are working independently, I can be making meals, doing laundry, or any other task I have to do and still be available to answer questions.

This is right by the kitchen table so all their books are easily accessible.
Eventually, I want a book shelf here, but for now, we are making do with an end table from the basement. 

After the subject is chosen, each child gets the book for that subject (if they all have assignments in that for the day) and sits around the table.....or sometimes not at the table.

This one likes to sit on the heat vent when the furnace is running.

Rule-follower child usually chooses the table.

And this child likes to make her own "desk" if I let her.

I like to say that we are "flexibly structured" in our day. We usually do a couple of subjects, then take a break. Do another subject, have a snack around 10:30, play, and do another subject until lunch. Eat, play, and then back at it. Our breaks are sometimes short, sometimes long. There are times when the kids get playing something, and they are so engaged in their imaginary play that I don't want to stop that. I am a firm believer that pretend play is important for learning and brain development.

Forts, forts and more forts! 

Some "phys ed" going on!

Some of the kids' curricula are things they can do on their own with a little help from me along the way. Some of it is reading chapters in a textbook, which at this stage in schooling is read outloud by me. While I read, the kids often sit at the table and color a sheet that pertains to the lesson I'm reading. For instance, when we were learning astronomy at the beginning of the year, I printed free coloring sheets of the planet they were learning about (the internet is a homeschooling mom's best friend, but it can also be our worst time-sucking, overwhelming enemy because there's just so much out there!). I find that this helps keep them more engaged in what I'm reading. I can stop and ask questions along the way and find out that they've been listening. Even the four year old chimes in every once in a while and I know that even though I don't require him to sit, he's still listening!

Sometimes, there are sweet moments like this where an older sibling helps a younger one. This is part of homeschooling that I love.

If I'm really on top of my game for the week, I'll plan something special. By "plan," I mean that I'll take the plan out of the curriculum, and actually do the activity it suggests. Like the time we made a Thanksgiving feast with recipes that the pilgrims might have used to make the first Thanksgiving dinner. The meal was decent, but we won't be using any of those recipes on a regular basis (or ever again)!

Stealing Spanish doubloons off the opponent's ship!

As I type this, we've got 2 more subjects to go for the day, lunch is over, 2 kids are playing Legos, 1 is playing on the iPad and one is playing in her fort. I'll let them keep going until a fights break out, or I'm done with what I want to accomplish - whichever comes first. ;) We are usually done by 3:00, just in time for afternoon snack!

In case you are wondering, mingled in the midst of all of these smiling homeschooling faces is a bit of frustration, crying, firm reminders to get back to work, and fights over who stole whose pencil. It's not all fun and games.

I've learned that homeschooling is a huge commitment, but I am so glad we've chosen this for our family!

Love is Enough

There's this saying surrounding adoption that says, "Love is not enough." Those who promote this are trying to communicate that it takes a lot more than love to raise a child whom you adopt.

But, love is more than hugs, kisses, and warm fuzzy feelings.

  *Love is providing for their needs.

  *Love is getting up in the middle of the night.

  *Love is staying up while your child has night terrors.

  *Love is cleaning vomit up after your child projectile vomited off the balcony and onto your kitchen counter (not that this happened at my house. ;) ).

  *Love is discipline when needed.

  *Love is reading to them.

  *Love is setting boundaries.

  *Love is sitting with a tantruming child, reassuring them you are there.

  *Love is figuring out healthy ways to help them calm down.

  *Love is teaching not to hurt others when they're angry.

  *Love is asking for forgiveness when you know you've not handled a situation well.

  *Love is doing what's best for the child even when it means having your heart break.

  *Love is doctor's appointments.

  *Love is standing up for your child when they are treated with injustice.

  *Love is embracing new foods, and a different culture from your own.

  *Love is paperwork.

  *Love is a physically safe environment.

  *Love is giving your child nutritious food.

  *Love is celebrating milestones.

  *Love is serving, even when you get nothing in return.

  *Love is putting your heart on the line, because they might not love you back.

  *Love is figuring out what makes your child smile.

  *Love is recognizing trauma triggers.

  *Love is helping them process their trauma.

  *Love is providing a safe place for them to come.

  *Love is being the safe person to turn to.

  *Love is cleaning up accidents.

  *Love is holding them accountable for their mistakes, helping them correct them, and learn from them.

  *Love is helping them maintain a relationship with their birth family when possible, and recognizing when it's not healthy to.

  *Love is therapy sessions.

  *Love is praying with them, and for them.

  *Love is addressing your own issues that surface as you parent a child from a hard place.

  *Love is making them a part of your family.

  *Love is getting to know them for who they are, not who you hoped they would be.

All these children need is love.

PSA: A Good Remedy for Pet Messes

This dog. I can't even tell you how long we've had him, but he almost saw his last day here the other day. It's a good thing he's sweet, and cute, and patient with the kids, because it very well could have been the last straw. 

We've been struggling this whole time with incontinence, hoping that he'd eventually get it. We put him in diapers to help the messes (which really does help, normally). We take him out every 2 hours when we're home. I bought a bell to put by the door so he can tell us when he has to go. We thought maybe he had a bladder infection, so we took him to the vet. As it turns out, his bladder's not broken; he just has some serious separation anxiety, and an unhealthy attachment to me. Ha! A bladder infection would have been a lot easier to fix!

The other day, we were gone for several hours, and for the second time, he busted out of his crate, and pooped and peed (through his diaper) in several places around the house as he searched for me, his favorite person. 

Needless to say, I was NOT happy. When I found that he had wet on the backs of the couches, he was on my list of least favorite pets! I ran to the store to get some spray that specifically gets rid of pet smells. All it really did was make the couch smell like the spray mixed with urine. GROSS!

Last night, I found this remedy (click here to view) that I should have tried in the first place. So, if you run into this same problem (or your toddlers have potty accidents, since we all know that happens too), this seems to work. 

Now I kind of want to go and use this remedy on all my carpets, just because!

And in case you are wondering, we have now put an extra latch on his crate so he can't get out. For some reason, he can open a crate from the inside, but he can't grasp out how to ring a bell to go outside. Go figure.

Why I've Given Up on Parenting Books and Wrinkle Cream

At this point in my life, I'm working on my growth in the Lord for two specific reasons. As Christians we are being sanctified throughout our entire lives until we are in glory, and I pray that I never stop having the desire to grow and change to become more like Christ. But, in this season there are two things that have caused me to desire growth.

Reason #1:
So I can be a better mom.

Ever since I was a teenager, I've loved reading and listening about parenting and family life. In those years I formed many opinions about how to raise kids (and putting them to practice is much different than when they are theory. I like to say that I was a perfect parent before I had kids).

In more recent years, since realizing that this parenting thing is really hard, I will read snippets here and a book there about how to discipline best, how to not emotionally damage my children, how to (fill in the blank). You name it, it's out there. A lot of people have opinions and theories on the best way to raise kids, and it is all so accessible.

A few weeks ago, I realized how damaging those things have actually been to my parenting. Okay, that's maybe an exaggeration, but I noticed it after I read an article about parenting (I don't even remember what it was about now). I started questioning myself as I interacted with my kids. Thinking, "oh no, maybe I shouldn't have done that because now they are going to have a complex." There's so much pressure to be perfect; to have it all together.

So I decided to quit learning how to be a better parent. Instead, I want God to sanctify me so that out of the overflow of my heart, I can parent my children well. When I am following close to God, I can only think that good things will follow in my children's lives as well. They will see that I am less self-centered. They will see that I get angry less often. They will see that I help them get to the heart of their issue instead of only addressing the surface issues. They will see that I treat my husband with respect. They will see that I am in the Word more. They will see joy instead of bitterness.

Reason #2:

So my inner beauty shines as I get older.

There are a few more gray hairs on my head lately; more than I care to pull out of my head. The skin around my eyes is a little loose, with some laugh lines at the corners, and my forehead wears the wrinkles of many raised eyebrows. 

I could search for the latest wrinkle cream, or run out and buy a box of hair dye (I will probably do that eventually, just not quite yet.) But I know that no matter what I do, I am going to get older, and my body will show the signs. Instead of focusing on the outward evidence of age, I want to be an older, wiser woman of God who speaks truth, gives grace, and shows love to those around her. And if I want to be that woman in years to come, it only stands to reason that I need to allow God to work out my salvation through sanctifying me now, so that when I am older and fully gray, I will be wise; not perfect, but wise.

"Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life." Proverbs 16:31

I was listening to a podcast yesterday with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, and she put words to these thoughts that I've been having. These are her words: "When you’re young, there are some character defects—whether bitterness or selfishness or pride—that can be covered up or glossed over with youthful energy, good looks, natural ability, or natural personality. But as you get older and those physical, outward things fade away, if those character defects have not been sanctified, they’re going to become more pronounced and more visible." If you want to listen to this in it's entirety, you can go to God's Beautiful Design for Women.

Often I've wished that I could have the wisdom of a grandma right now in these days of parenting young children, but then I realize that part of what made those older women wise was going through these years. So I'll wait, and while I wait I'll learn and ask God to help me grow and give me wisdom.

I've voiced this to a couple of people in the last couple of weeks, and I wonder if it has come out as more self-focused than I intend it to be. Our culture is so ME focused. Serve yourself first. But, that is not biblical and that is not what I am getting at.

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others 

more significant than yourselves." Philippians 2:3

What I desire is for Christ to be so evident in my life, that it effects every area of my life. To God be the glory for what is has done, is doing, and will do in me and through me!

The Night God Told Me I Am Forgiven

A few weeks ago, I got angry. If you ask my kids if I ever yell, they smile and nod. It's not something I'm proud of. I confess that this is a weakness, and this particular day probably wouldn't stand out to my kids, but it stands out to me still.

God, in His infinite grace, is working on me tremendously in this area of my life. I have to tell you what happened the night after this particular day.

When my husband got home that afternoon, and we had a moment alone together, I was telling him how the day went, and how ashamed I was with the way that I lashed out in my anger at one of our kids. He listened kindly, with no judgement, just support.

Then that night, I woke up in the middle of the night. 3 a.m. and I was wide awake. I began to pray, "Lord, is there something you want me to talk to you about? I am so sorry for the way I handled that situation, and how I got angry. Please Lord, help me. Forgive me." I pleaded with God for his forgiveness.

Often, when I can't sleep, I'll begin to pray and I'll go to sleep without much trouble. I used to feel guilty about this, like I was horrible for falling asleep in the middle of a conversation with God, until someone said to me that it's like a child falling asleep in her father's arms. No good father is disappointed with that.

This night was different though. I didn't fall asleep as I prayed. I continued to lay there, awake, prompted to get up and read my Bible. I made a bunch of excuses. "Oh, then I'll have to turn the light on, and I'll wake up even more." "That means I have to get out of bed." (My priority at the time was my sleep.) "I'm reading in Zechariah. There's not going to be anything pertinent to my current situation in Zechariah." God nudged me long enough that I eventually got up, went to the bathroom where we keep a Bible for some light reading.

I opened to Zechariah chapter 3 and started reading. Here's what I read:

"Now Joshua was standing before the angel, clothed with filthy garments. And the angel said to those who were standing before him, 'Remove the fithy garments from him.' And to him he said, 'Behold, I have taken your iniquity away from you, and I will cloth you with pure vestments.'"

In that moment, God spoke loud and clear, "You are forgiven."

I went back to bed, and guess what? Sleep came.

The next morning, I went to my Bible on the counter that I typically read from, and the pages of Zechariah 3 were still stuck together like in a brand new Bible, which told me that I had not been reading there. Instead, I had been reading in Zephaniah. I am a firm believer in the sovereignty of God, and believe that even though some might say it was sleep deprived delerium that caused me to forget where I was in my Bible, that God Himself whispered, "Zechariah 3" in my ear so I would turn to the exact page He wanted me to read.

I know that God's word is the way He speaks to us, and I know that it is living and active, but to have a clear conversation with God in this way blew me away.

Praise God that He is REAL, and He SPEAKS to us!

Friends, let me encourage you with this. If you ever doubt that God is there, and listening, He IS. And secondly, if you are in Christ, you are FORGIVEN. Your filthy rags have been removed and replaced with pure, clean clothes.

Life According to The Gilmore Girls

I know I'm late to the party, but I am nearly finished watching the Gilmore Girls for the first time. Lorelai and Rory have helped me through washing many dishes, and folding a lot of clothes, and I am forever grateful for their assistance in some of my most loathed household chores.

I often like to watch popular shows like this one with this question in mind: "How has this show had an impact on the views of our culture?" The Gilmore Girls have given me a lot of material to ponder, but it also begs the question of the chicken or the egg? Did shows like this one shape and mold popular thinking, or did popular thinking shape the content of these shows?

Here are some observations of life according to the Gilmore Girls:

1. The mother/child relationship can be a friendship. While I believe that eventually, a mother daughter relationship can develop into a friendship, I do not agree that being your child's friend their entire life will help raise a responsible, respectful adult. Mothers are there for teaching and loving, but if they are seen as their child's equal, the child will not learn to respect authority. Sometimes being disliked for your decision is the loving thing to do. Thankfully, in Rory's case, she turned out to be a responsible adult, but this is scripted life; real life doesn't usually work the way it does on TV.

2. Flitting from man to man is perfectly normal and doesn't hurt as long as that next person makes you happier than the one before. I mean, I can't even keep track of all the men Lorelai has been with since the start of the show, let alone being engaged to two of them (three if you count the plan she had with Christopher until he found out his girlfriend was pregnant). It portrays sex as casual, and relationships and people as disposable. Lorelai did show some wisdom when she wanted to move slowly in her current relationship to make sure Chris was going to stay around this time. That only lasted about 2 hours though, and by the time he dropped her off at home, and kissed her passionately on the front porch, her resolve quickly melted away and she gave in to the emotions, inviting him in to spend the night (among other implied activities). Relationships are made to make us holy and more like Christ. Whether it is a romantic relationship, or a friendship, our happiness is not God's main purpose; holiness is.

3. Intimacy = sex. In an episode that I recently watched, Rory is talking to Lane about her boyfriend who has recently left for London on a year long work assignment. She's saying how much she misses him, and how much she's realized that sex, and the physical stuff is so important in a relationship. It sounds all nice and fluffy, but I want to tell Rory (and any other person who thinks like she does), "Honey, if your relationship is lacking without sex, then your relationship is empty." True intimacy is depth of relationship. It's that person knowing who you are more than any other person (apart from God of course). It is spiritual depth; praying together, sharing with one another what God is doing in your life, reading God's word together. It's sharing in difficulties, supporting each other, and rejoicing in happy times. And in marriage, when there is true intimacy, sexual intimacy is even better. Don't be fooled into thinking that a relationship isn't meaningful if sex isn't involved.

4. Babies suck. When Lane and her new husband found out they were expecting a baby right after they came home from their honeymoon, they had a heart-to-heart that ended in their agreeing that "this baby sucks!" Yes, unplanned pregnancies are surprising, shocking, and often unsettling, but that does not mean that the baby sucks. No matter how or when a baby is conceived, in our timing, or not, they are always a miracle and never suck. I fear that this is a pervasive attitude in our culture. If a baby interferes with our plans and expectations, then it must be bad. However, contrary to popular believe, life is not about us. Now, I'm curious to find out how this plays out througout the season, because this is just a new development (please don't spoil it for me), but I'm really hoping that once they see and hold that baby, their attitudes will be completely different.

And on a lighter note:

5. Pedestrians can walk at any speed in the middle of the road any time they want. Okay, that probably hasn't had an impact on culture, but it always strikes me as funny when the residents of Stars Hollow just meander through the streets as though they are just an extension of the sidewalk.

6. A person can consume crazy amounts of food, not exercise and remain an "acceptable" size two. Seriously, if a normal person ate the way Lorelai and Rory do, they would probably be morbidly obese.

Pictures Lie

Many years ago, before the internet was in everyone's homes (and purses or pockets), my aunt and uncle bought a house. They lived in South Dakota, and they bought a house in Florida sight unseen, except for the pictures that were shown to them by the realtor. It looked like a nice house, so they recruited some family, packed up their cars and trucks and caravanned down to Florida.

My parents went along to help them move into their new house. When they arrived, they discovered that the pictures were not totally accurate. They didn't show the bugs jumping from the carpet, or the dirt so thick on the floors that when clean, they discovered a completely different color underneath.

From this trip, my family adopted a saying that has been quoted over and over again.

"Pictures lie." 

The same is true today. Only now, we sell more than just houses. We are selling ourselves. Just like the pictures of the house in Florida, we try to only portray the good in our lives while creatively hiding the ugly side. It's all over social media. People and their "perfect" lives. Or so it seems.

Am I saying I think we should go around airing our dirty laundry all over the internet? Of course not, but we do need to think before we post.

Here are a few examples of how pictures lie:

A couple years ago at Easter time I made this fun project with the kids where you grow grass on a hill with a tomb in the side of the hill. On Good Friday, we talked about Jesus dying on the cross, and being buried and then when they woke up on Easter morning, the tomb was empty! We had used Legos for Jesus and the soldiers guarding the entrance. So, naturally I took a picture of the kids as they got their first glimpse of it that morning. Looks great, right? Truth is, if my memory serves me right, my patience was thin this Easter morning. I snapped at my kids more than necessary. And, if you could see the picture that was taken before this one, you would know that one of my children wasn't wearing pants.

We had a short warm-up here in Minnesota a couple of weeks ago that warranted some time outside and even a walk down the street. I love this picture, because I love this boy. He's so much fun, but truth is he didn't hold my hand for long. In fact, it is sometimes a struggle to get him to hold my hand at all while we walk through the parking lot, or to cross the street. I will ask him, "Do you want to hold my hand, or have mommy carry you?" If chooses neither, I usually end up carrying a screaming child who just wants independence that he's not quite ready to have.

 Anja and I were having a special day together. We had dropped off the other three kids at a friend's house, and we went to get her five year old pictures taken. Someone might assume that we get time together like this all the time, but truth is one on one time is rare with several children. We get it on occasion, and when it happens it really is special.

This picture reminds me of a great summer that we had as a family. And isn't this just the quaintest (is that a word) picture of a Minnesota cabin day? A dad fishing with his kids. A perfect picture to put on Facebook. Truth is, I'm sure this moment when they were all sitting still in their chairs lasted about as long as it took me to snap the picture. Then Anja was probably up and digging through the worms, or getting too close to the edge of the dock to which the oldest child would nervously yell for her to back up or she might fall in.

This picture was taken from the top of the hill near our camping cabin in Custer State Park. We hiked up to take in the view. The sights in this park truly were magnificent, but truth is, this was the last leg of a fun, but difficult week in Denver. My husband had been gone for three weeks at training, and then came home for a week only to need to travel to Denver for another week of training, so we decided to tag along. Packed in a hotel room with a child who has night terrors when life is out of the ordinary, and one who misses home after two days away, with daddy gone all day long, and no naps except short ones in the car. Let's just say that by the time this picture was taken, we were all ready to go home. In fact, we had planned on staying for four nights, and we cut it short and only stayed one.

So many times, a simple picture can communicate more than we even realize. The person seeing it on whatever social media site you use often sees more than just what the picture shows. Some of it might be true, and some of it, I'm guessing, is completely off base.

Unfortunately I think people take advantage of this. We use social media to make ourselves look good; to show off our picture perfect lives, when in reality none of our lives are picture perfect. We all struggle with real things. And social media often feeds so much discontent. We don't think other people have the same struggles we have. Afterall, look at all of their pictures on Facebook!

I am not saying that we are responsible for how others read meaning into posts we put out there, but we are responsible for the motive behind our posts.

Here are some questions that might be helpful to think about before posting a picture:
Will this post bring glory to God, or glory to Me?
Why am I putting this on (fill in the blank)?
Is it to build myself up?
Is this going to encourage someone, or breed discontentment?
Am I trying to get attention from a certain person/people? If so, why?

If we took an honest look at why we post what we post, we may realize that it is more self-focused than God-honoring. So, before you post a picture, ask these questions, because sometimes pictures lie.

The Problem with Minimalism

My husband and I are in the middle of watching "Minimalism" on Netflix (it takes us several nights to watch anything over an hour long....life with kids I guess). I like the idea. You have only what you need, and it clears your space, and your life of clutter. Because you have less stuff to maintain, then you naturally have more time to do what you enjoy, and spend time with people you love. Sounds great!

The part that intrigues me the most is minimizing the stress and chaos that too many possessions creates. I am a person who feels chaotic and crabby when my surroundings are cluttered and messy. I am much more calm when things are neat (don't get me wrong here....if you've read my recent posts about my home, you know that it is not neat most of the time).

But there is one critical thing that I long to tell the minimalists in the documentary.

Nothing will fulfill you like Christ will.

Throughout the documentary, many of the people say how they had this gaping hole inside of them, and they tried to fill it with stuff, stuff and more stuff. That, they argue, is an American problem. I have no doubt that it is. To solve this problem in their lives, they got rid of most of their possessions in order to free themselves to do what they want to do. This sounds great, and maybe it works for a time.

But, aren't they really just replacing one god (stuff) for another god (minimalism)? Sure, they are "happy" now, but won't that happiness wear off eventually too, and then they need to search for the next strategy to bring them happiness once again?

Jesus said these words in John 15:9-11, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments , you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."

Perhaps you've watched this documentary too, and have implemented some of the habits that it promotes. Great! I may try to eliminate some of the things that clutter my home, but with the mindset that this minimalism thing is not what is going to fulfill me.

Only Christ can do that.

Faith and Feelings

I've been following a Facebook discussion this past week that has been entertaining at best, but mostly unsettling. It has to do with a pastor who creates amazing and (literally) unbelievable experiences for his church. This online conversation has been heated, and intense at times as everyone involved is very passionate about the "side" that they are on.

This church is drawing many people, and the argument is that if his methods are working, then why question it? If he is bringing people to Jesus, then what's wrong? Why the controversy?

One of the big issues I see with this particular pastor's methods is that is plays on the emotions of the people. It gives them such an incredible experience, that surely it must be God doing these things. I'm sure that for those there, who believe in the charades, it is an amazing experience.

But the problem is that faith is not about feelings. It is not based on experience.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

We do not need extravegant experiences in order for faith to be real. This method of drawing people to faith is dangerous, because is bases faith on emotions. What happens if the feelings fade, and the experiences don't happen very frequently? (On a side note, these same questions can be asked of our marriages. We see often in our culture what happens to couples who don't "feel" anything for each other anymore.)

I'll tell you what can happen. It can cause a person to question their faith, and even the existance of God. But the truth is, God still exists, and is still as active as ever even when we don't "feel" his presence, or experience magnificent emotional highs.

This is particularly dangerous with today's emerging adults and teenagers, because they base so much of their reality on experience. If these worship experiences are being presented as reality, and that's what they base their faith on, then their faith is bound to falter at one point or another.

I had a conversation recently with a young woman who said that she was questioning her faith because she had never really felt God in her life. This is precisely the danger that I'm talking about.

We cannot base our faith on our feelings, because "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

Will we have great experiences with God? Of course. He is God, and He is awesome by nature, so we will experience great things with Him, but we will also experience difficulties, and periods in life when we "feel" distant from God. If we ground our faith in the scripture, and who God says He is, and not on our human emotions, then during these times of hardship our faith will not falter.

God is always God. No matter what.

Motivating my Kids to Get Involved

Several months back, my kids received an iPad as a gift. They didn't know this, and I kept it hidden in my sock drawer for a few months while I tried to figure the thing out (I'm not techy), and develop a plan for it's use. I didn't want them to just have unlimited access to the iPad. I wanted them to work for it.

Then, I started "the system." If you've been following along for the past couple of months, you'll know that I have started using 3x5 notecards to keep track of my household chores. It has transformed my life (I'm almost not exaggerating). One thing that I did when I was setting up my cards was that I assigned a value to the jobs that I thought were appropriate for the kids to do. When they do the job on that card, they earn tokens. When they earn enough tokens, they can cash them in for time on the iPad. 1 token = 5 minutes.


This is a win/win in my book!

Some things I've appreciated since starting the tokens for rewards:

1. The iPad is a great motivator. They love to play games on there, so if they don't have very many tokens in their cup, they can do a job to earn more time. I'm happy because the bathroom floors get swept, and they're happy because they get more time on the iPad!

2. I love that my kids are learning how to maintain a house. For instance, my kids never realized how often I have to sweep the floor in order to keep it crumb-free. On a good day I sweep at least twice a day. With these little people eating 3 meals and 2 snacks a day, it could probably be swept more often, but that's just not realistic.

3. When we first started the tokens, I didn't do it with our youngest, who is three. I didn't think he'd get the concept of earning the tokens and cashing them in, but last week I decided I'd give it a shot. I had been listening to a webinar about discipline while maintaining attachment, and much of it was focused on behavior prevention instead of intervention. The speaker strongly recommended a reward system, so I thought I'd try with him. Oh my goodness. It is great! I can say, "Great job for putting those toys away! Now I'm going to give you a token!" Or, "Thank you so much for playing nicely with your sister! You earned a token!" One time, he even ran over to his siblings, and exclaimed, "Look guys! I earned tokens!" For him, 75% of the reward is getting the token in his fingers and putting it in the cup.


4. I have also used this reward system in the opposite direction. I might say to my oldest, "You have a bad attitude right now about your school work and if that doesn't change I'm going to have to take a few tokens away." It (usually) works.

5. Today we were at the store and my 8 year old was so excited to be spending his own money on Finding Dory. I told him that if he didn't have enough money, I would pay the difference and when we got home he could pay me back with tokens - for him 1 token = .25. He was so thankful when we got home and he didn't owe me anything!

Getting my kids motivated to do extra jobs around the house has also lifted some of the burden off of me, so not only are they learning how to pitch in, it frees me up to do more as well. Sure, I spend a lot of time handing out tokens, but for us, it's worth it. I've tried other things in the past, like charts with stickers, or check boxes, but those just haven't worked quite as well. I'm super glad that this has been working. Does anyone have a reward system that has worked well for your family?

You Gotta Be Crazy to....

Someone once said to me that their son didn't want to adopt from foster care because he "didn't want to adopt someone else's problem." My response to this terribly misinformed statement:

1. The kids are not the problem! They have been removed from their home because of something their parents did to them, or didn't do for them. Do they have challenges? Yes, but only because they are a child trying to process the things that have happened to them in their short life.

2. Children are not a "problem." This mentality is so prevelant in our society. Children are seen as a burden. An inconvenience to our lives. In fact, children are a blessing, and it is a privilege to raise them and teach them about life.

I am super excited, because just this week, I've had two friends tell me that their families are considering foster care! The more we get the word out, and the myths busted, more homes will be open to more kids!

This came in my e-mail this morning, so I thought I'd pass it on:

Give Yourself A Break!

The other day I realized that my overall attitude about my household work has been much better. My everyday tasks are less of a burden, and I haven't been complaining about them nearly as often as I have in the past. When I mentioned this to my husband, he said that he had been noticing the same thing! It wasn't all in my head!

I think that this is due to many factors, but I'm convinced that a HUGE reason is because I have been giving myself "days off." This is something that Sidetracked Home Executives (and the Bible) says is very important.

I've been giving myself Sundays and Thursdays off. This doesn't mean that I don't do the essentials like feed my family, but I don't have to do any extra jobs on those days. In the past, my husband encouraged me to do this, but I always whined and ranted that there was no possible way I could take a day off, because if I take a day off, then on Monday I have extra to do, because no one has washed the dishes, or picked up, and I start the day already behind.

I don't feel like this anymore. I'm pretty sure that since I've been taking days off, I am more productive on the other days. For instance, the other day was my daughter's birthday, so I made a bigger breakfast than normal, baked and decorated a birthday cake, wrapped presents,  AND cleaned my entire fridge, washed the inside of all of the windows, washed all my dishes, homeschooled my children and cleared everything that had accumulated on my countertops throughout the day, among other miscellaneous tasks. I felt like Superwoman!

Then yesterday, when my mom called to see if I could meet her and my sister for lunch, I felt free to say yes, because it was my day off and I knew that the jobs would get done the next day.

There's a reason God made the Sabbath for us. He knows that we need rest, and He supplies us with the strength we need to "catch up" on the other days of the week.

If you're feeling weary, give yourself a break!

Misguided Organization

One of my favorite words in the english language is "organized." I am always searching for new ways to get organized. My love of organization started early, but was a little misguided. Remember, I am not someone who was born organized, but I wish I was.

I am about to share a story that I'm sure will be passed down for generations to come in my family, as one of life's lessons. It's one that I'm not proud to share, but it illustrates the challenges with my desire to be organized.

When I was about 13, in an attempt to organize my dresser, I decided to sort my top drawer using paper bags. My underwear in one paper bag, labeled with a sharpie marker, my socks in another bag, labeled of course, and so on; with everything that might be in the top drawer of a teenaged girl's dresser.

One afternoon, my older sister walked into my bedroom, and like older sisters do, asked me with brutal honesty, "Melissa, why does your room smell so bad?" Apparently I had been in there so long that I couldn't smell it.

We searched for the source of the stench, and finally determined that it was coming from the top dresser drawer.

Who knows how many months prior, my mom had sent me upstairs to clean my room. There was a bunch of junk on the top of my dresser, and out of pure laziness, I opened my top drawer and dumped it in. Unbeknownst to me, one of the items that I swept into my top drawer was a sack lunch that I had apparently not eaten at school. If my memory serves me right, there was a ham sandwich on white bread (it wasn't white upon discovery) and a rock hard Little Debbie Oatmeal Sandwich (which I could not stomach many years later).

The theory is that since my top drawer was "organized" with brown paper bags, I didn't notice that there was an unmarked imposter lurking where it wasn't supposed to be.

The clothes that were in the entire dresser needed to be washed and the drawers themselved had to be aired out for days outside in order to free them of the smell, and I couldn't even sleep in my room that night because of the odor that had been unleashed. (I still can't figure out how a middle schooler could walk around school with clothes that most likely smelled rotten and not have at least one person comment.)

This, my friends, was my attempt at organization that completely backfired.

Moral of the story: Never organize your underwear drawer with paper bags.

Now you know. You're welcome.

I've Replaced My "To-Do" Lists

I gave up on lists a few years ago. Now, this was no small thing for me, because I love lists. They help me remember things. And I love to check something off....I used to even add something to the list that I had done just so I could check it off. It gave me a sense of accomplishment.

Then I realized something. I was being held captive by my lists. I would look at all the things I DIDN'T do at the end of the day and feel like a failure. Then, I would move all those undone things to the next day's list, just making that day's list of tasks insurmountable. And the cycle would start all over again.

So for several years now, I haven't had any accountability for things that needed to be done around the house, and it was (kind of) freeing, but I also know that I wasn't getting things done that needed to be done. I think I needed the break because I was obviously too tied down by my lists. At the same time though, my house has been a mess, and I was crabby about it.

If you read this post, you know that I needed something to help get me back on track. Not back to lists though.

This is the "notecard system" that has truly helped me. One main reason I like it better than lists is because it frees me from the overwhelming pile-up of lists. Here's how:

To set up your notecards, you put one job on one card. You then file it under the days of the month. You might have some jobs that you do daily, some weekly, monthly, seasonaly, etc. (as often as it needs to be done). When you do the job, you put it in the file box on the next day that it needs to be done. For example, if today is the 11th of the month, and I do a weekly job, I refile the card under the 18th. BUT if I didn't do the job, I write "skipped" on the bottom of the notecard, and file it on the 18th. I don't file it in tomorrow. I'm free. All I have to do tomorrow are the jobs that are filed under tomorrow's date. (The catch is that come the 18th of the month, I HAVE to do that skipped job.)

Believe it or not, I kind of have to give myself a little pep-talk to let myself file it a week later. I feel like it should go in the next day's pile, probably because my brain is so used to how I have always done lists.

In reality, before I was doing this system, the floors weren't being washed on a regular basis, so if I skip it now and do it one week later, I'm already ahead of what I was doing before. A win win. My house is cleaner, and I'm not held captive by my tasks.

I haven't perfected it. My house will probably never be perfect, but I am making great progress!

I Might be Domestically Challenged

When I was in high school, my mom used the words "domestically challenged" to describe me to my then boyfriend's mom. I was very insulted!. I was NOT domestically challenged!

Fast forward about 18 years.....

I was staying at my parents' house for the weekend with my 4 kids last month. My mom and I were reading through some conversation starter questions and one of the questions was, "What is one thing you'd like to change about yourself that will probably never change?"

My answer: "I'd like to not be so messy, but I've always been messy, so I don't think that will change." There. I said it. In that one sentence I admitted that I just MIGHT be domestically challenged.

Try as I might, I always have a mess. I can get it cleaned up, and then a few days later it mysteriously shows up again! I could blame it on the kids, but honestly, our house was messy before the kids came along. It is going to take a huge transformation and change of habits to get this out of me.

About a year ago, after we had added a toddler to the family, my house was messier and more disorganized than normal. It was Sunday morning, and my husband couldn't find his shoes when he was heading out the door for church, so he had to throw on some fake leather clog-type shoes. Then, he felt that it was necessary to point his shoes out to the congregation during his sermon, mentioning that our house was a little under par. This prompted a kind woman in the congregation to offer to come over and help me clean my house. Humbled, and grateful, I accepted her offer.

She told me the story of when she had young children and didn't even answer the door because her house was unpresentable. Thankfully, her experience helped her to understand the place that many mothers are in. So, when she walked into my home with messy counters, and floors that hadn't been washed for who knows how long, she didn't judge. She understood. (Mental note: Be like that in 20 years!)

She also asked me if she had ever shown me her notecard system of keeping house. I answered no, but wasn't quite at the place where I was ready to take on something new.

Fast forward a year, and I've asked, I have the book, I've asked her wisdom, and I'm implementing this system in my home. I havent perfected it yet, so if you stopped by right now as I type this, you'd still see a mess in my house, BUT.....

My dishes are clean, which by my standards makes my kitchen pretty presentable!
My bathroom floors were washed before 9:00 this morning. History in the making.
The iron stains have been scrubbed from the inside of the shower stall.
All the laundry is done.....not folded and put away, but done!
Every bed in house is made.
And I even took a shower this morning!

To some of you this might seem common-place, but for me this is progress!

Maybe I'll go from domestically challenged to domestically able after all!

(More on the system later. I might be able to write a few posts on this!)

First Family Roadtrip

This last month has been quite crazy. My husband was in Georgia for 3 weeks of training, came home for a week and then had another week of training in Colorado. We decided it would be best for the family if we went along for the week in Colorado, so we hopped in the car 9 days ago and took our first family road trip! In all, I think it was a success....staying in a hotel for a week with 6 people in one room, including a toddler who still needs naps, finding my way around Denver during the day while my hubby was in training, driving for hours straight with minimal meltdowns (thank you to whoever invented the DVD player).

Here are some photos of our trip in no particular order:

We camped in Custer State Park one night on the way home. My husband said I can't call it camping because it was in a camping cabin. This was the view just up the hill from our little cabin.

One day in Denver, we went to the Museum of Nature and Science. We spent several hours there, and could have stayed longer! The kids really liked the Minerals and Gems exhibit - especially the sparkly purple and pink ones! If you are ever in Denver, I highly recommend going here!

We had a little picnic outside the museum.

There was a giant elephant statue that the kids played on.

The kids had a lot of fun searching for the animals in these big dioramas. 

View of Denver from the roof of the museum.

"Mommy, take a picture of me and the polar bear! I'm going to make this face so I look scared!"

One day, we drove up to Rocky Mountain National Park to do some hiking. Coincidentally, and very beneficially for me, my parents were in Denver at the same time we were, so they took this trip with us. T said several times, "Wow! What a place!" He has such a great appreciation for God's creation!

We spent a good chunk of time sitting on the edge of this stream watching the fish.

Sprague Lake

The kids wanted to swim every day....they didn't get their wish every day, but we did have lots of fun at the pool. 

The Wildlife Loop at Custer State Park was a great drive. Our little man, A, now wants to buy a baby buffalo. Last night when I was putting him to bed, he asked, "Can we buy a baby buffalo?" I asked him what we would do with it. "Put it in the back." Then I asked what we would do once it got big. He said, "Pet it!"

Have I said thank you to the person who invented the car DVD player??? I was always opposed to them before children, and now that I have kids and go on long car rides, I realize that they are a sanity saver. The only down side is that now we are going through a little movie withdrawal.

We came home a little earlier than we had planned because we realized that we were all getting tired and could use a good night's sleep in our own beds (which we got last night). Yesterday morning, when we were leaving, I told the kids to get in the car and A cried, "I don't want to get in the car!" I think he'd had enough! 

Now it's time to unpack and do some laundry.....which is why I am sitting here on my computer!