When we were first married, we went to a marriage conference where one of the speakers said that they have a picture from when they were first married in their kitchen. It serves as a reminder of where they've come from and how they've grown over the years. I decided to copy them, so above the sink in each of the houses we've lived in I've kept a picture from our dating days 10 years ago. (I still look the same as I did in the picture by the way!) It reminds me regularly of what we've been through and how we've grown and changed. In no particular order, here are 8 things that I've learned throughout our 8 years of marriage:
1. How to put someone else's needs ahead of my own. This has been a lesson I've learned more in the last 4 years since we've had kids, but kids or no kids, marriage helps you see how often you really want something for yourself. I can see my selfishness when I realize that I am upset about something just because I am not getting my way. That makes it sounds so childish, but if I'm honest I can be at times. I don't need to neglect my needs, but marriage is a great lesson in selflessness! I am a work in progress.
2. Don't blow things out of proportion. My mind can play nasty tricks on me. It starts with a small offense. Maybe my husband left his dirty socks on the floor (this example may or may not have happened), and then it starts. Here's a sneak-peak into the not-so-honoring-thoughts that sometimes invade my mind: "I can't believe he left his socks on the floor again! So, on top of picking up after the kids, I also have to pick up after him. He NEVER picks up his own dirty clothes. I ALWAYS have to do it for him. And I'm the only one who ever does the laundry, and I NEVER get so much as a 'thank you.'"....... It could continue, and honestly sometimes it does until I'm in a full blown pity party. It takes a conscious effort to take these thoughts captive and not let them ruin my mood, my interaction with my family and my relationship with my husband. If I don't put a stop to these thoughts, I get mad at him for essentially no reason. It is damaging and destructive, so when I realize myself going there I have to give those thoughts over to God and let Him transform my attitude.
3. The tough stuff brings you closer. We've been through some difficult things in our marriage, just like everyone has. Some might be the same as what others have gone through, some different. Regardless of what tough stuff it is, it will always bring you closer if you let it. I remember when I miscarried our second baby. It was a few months later and it came up in conversation as it often did, and I was in tears again. Mike didn't fully understand (because men usually grieve differently in these situations), but we took some time to talk it through so we could understand each other better.
When Mike didn't have a job and we didn't know what the future held, we spent so much time in prayer and conversation about our hopes as well as our fears. Ultimately this difficult time in our lives brought us closer in our relationship to each other and to God. These are just a couple of examples of how God has brought us through difficulties, and our relationship has been stronger because of them. It is true that He will always work things out for the good of those who love Him.
4. Instead of pleasing my spouse, I need to please God. This is a big one. God taught me a lot this past summer about this. He pointed out that I have been living in fear of what others think of me. This includes my husband. Many people are watching us and possibly judging us, but the only One whose opinion matters is God. In Psalms David wrote, "What can mere men do to me?" He wrote this when Saul was in hot pursuit and had other men hunting for David. Saul was out to kill, and David's response is "What can mere men do to me?!?" If David can say that in his predicament, then surely I do not need to fear what others think of me! The best part is, if your spouse is a Christ follower like mine is, you will likely please him when you follow the Lord faithfully.
5. Praying for my husband is so much more effective than trying to change him. There have been times when I have thought, "I wish Mike would ______." I've heard it said many times that we should never try to change our spouse. It is not our job; it's God's. So if those thoughts ever come to my mind, instead of nagging, or telling him he is defective, I start to pray. I can't tell you very many specific situations when this has happened (mostly because I tend to forget anything I don't write down), but I know that on a number of occasions, I've seen a change in Mike and I realize that it was something I had been praying about. Those times are great reminders that God is so much better at changing hearts; including mine.
6. A great reationship takes time. Early on in our marriage, we noticed that we get along a lot better when we are together more often. When we think about the first few years of marriage when Mike was in seminary, the National Guard, working full time, I was working full time and going to school for part of that, we wonder how we managed. In those years we also noticed that the more time we spent together, the more we enjoyed each other's company. Now that we have kids, our time is spent differently and we still have to be intentional about spending time together. A friendship, a great relationship doesn't just happen. It takes time.
7. Deal with issues as they come up. I am a professional sweeper-under-the-rug. I tend to just "forget" about the little things, sweep them under the rug and move on. Well, this is fabulous for a little while, but before I know it, I've got a big lump in the middle of my rug, and I'm pulling things out from underneath that should have been dealt with months ago. My husband, on the other hand, is very good at resolving things fairly quickly and he has encouraged me to do the same. I am grateful that he has modeled this for me, because it is just so much more effective to talk things through one at a time instead of sorting through a pile of garbage.
8. God is in control and I am not. This one was kind of a hard one to swallow. I had this perfect plan in my head for years. I'd get married, a few years later have a baby and be done having babies by the time I was 30. After a few years, I began to realize that my plan might not have been what God had in mind. After 2 miscarriages, I was sort of wondering if I would be able to carry a baby to term. Then I felt God leading me to go back to school for counseling. It was in the middle of my semester in Graduate school that I began to grieve the loss of my plan and accept that God's plan is the best. Hindsight is really 20/20 and when you are a Christ follower, looking back is even better. When we look back, we can see His plan was in motion all along.
