mem·oir
ˈmemˌwär/
noun
- 1.a historical account or biography written from personal knowledge or special sources.
- 2.an essay on a learned subject.
I was a Pastor's Wife (PW for short) for a little more than 5 years, and I've been a former PW for 3 months. That makes it history. Throughout my time as a PW, I made some observations, learned some stuff that formed my personal knowledge on the subject. That makes my reflections a memior, right?
Without further ado, Memoirs of a Pastor's Wife:
I write these things to help the average church goer, and in turn, help their pastor's wives, because it's not something you fully understand until you've walked in those shoes, or mudboots, if you will. Yes, sometimes the position is messy. Most of the time it is not, but it can be kind of complicated.
PW's are people, just like you
Sometimes I think there's this assumption that the PW is somehow a better Christian, or holier than the average church member, but just because they're married to the pastor (who also is not perfect, by the way), doesn't mean that they have it all together, or have had a picture perfect life.
It is okay to be yourself around the PW. In fact, it is very refreshing when people are comfortable to be themselves.
Being a PW can be lonely
There might be many reasons for this, but there are a couple that I came up with during my time as a PW. One reason might be because people don't feel like they can be themselves. They don't feel at ease, so they don't want to be around the PW. It goes back to the point that people view the PW as a holier person. If you think that someone is better than you are, then it is our nature to not want to be around them. So, if you change your view of the PW, and realize she's a person just like you are, then you can be around her more easily. Another point though, is that maybe there are people who reflect Christ in a way that you desire to (maybe it's the PW, maybe it's not). It is always good to spend time with people like that, because iron sharpens iron.
Or maybe it's lonely because a lot of people assume that because you are the PW, that you already have a lot of friends, so you don't reach out. Don't be afraid to reach out to your PW and just be a friend.
The PW doesn't know everything
I can't tell you how many times someone came up to me at church and just started talking to me about something in their personal life that they had talked to my husband about, assuming that because they told him, he had told me. Sometimes I'd just smile, nod and ask clarifying questions. I probably should have been more bold and said, "You know, he didn't mention that to me, I didn't know _______." Sure, sometimes he would tell me things that were happening, but most of the converstations that he had at church were not talked about at home. So, if you want your PW to know something that is going on in your life, feel free to tell her.
They also don't know about every event going on at church. I intentionally made my main ministry to my husband and our family, but I often felt out of the loop because I was so involved with home life - and that was okay.
The PW cares about you
PWs care about the people in the church too. It might not be their "job," but they are in partnership with their husband in church ministry, so naturally they care. They care about the health of the church body, and about the health of it's people.
The Pastor's biggest fan is his wife
There were Sundays when my husband would get up to preach, and I would think, "That's MY husband!" I loved to hear him preach God's word. I loved to see him in his role as pastor.
This is the way it should be, because he needs someone who always believes in him no matter what, but it also makes it really hard when someone in the church is upset with him (which happens). The PW loves her husband as a man, and as a pastor, so when there is a conflict, the cheerleader wife becomes his biggest ally and defender. This makes church conflict particularily hard for the PW. Sometimes the pastor chooses not to share everything that is happening in order to protect his wife from bitterness that can take root. My husband shared some things with me because he is an outward processor, but I know he didn't share everything with me in order to protect me.
Being in ministry is a great privilege, and also a great burden. People are watching your every move (okay maybe not EVERY move, but when someone asks what you were doing up so late at night because they drove by your house and your lights were on, it kinda feels like it). Pastors and their wives want to be an example to people in their walk with Christ, their marriage, and their family, but remember that they are not perfect. The Pastor and his wife are sinners saved by grace, and are being sanctified day by day just like you.
