Several months back, my kids received an iPad as a gift. They didn't know this, and I kept it hidden in my sock drawer for a few months while I tried to figure the thing out (I'm not techy), and develop a plan for it's use. I didn't want them to just have unlimited access to the iPad. I wanted them to work for it.
Then, I started "the system." If you've been following along for the past couple of months, you'll know that I have started using 3x5 notecards to keep track of my household chores. It has transformed my life (I'm almost not exaggerating). One thing that I did when I was setting up my cards was that I assigned a value to the jobs that I thought were appropriate for the kids to do. When they do the job on that card, they earn tokens. When they earn enough tokens, they can cash them in for time on the iPad. 1 token = 5 minutes.
This is a win/win in my book!
Some things I've appreciated since starting the tokens for rewards:
1. The iPad is a great motivator. They love to play games on there, so if they don't have very many tokens in their cup, they can do a job to earn more time. I'm happy because the bathroom floors get swept, and they're happy because they get more time on the iPad!
2. I love that my kids are learning how to maintain a house. For instance, my kids never realized how often I have to sweep the floor in order to keep it crumb-free. On a good day I sweep at least twice a day. With these little people eating 3 meals and 2 snacks a day, it could probably be swept more often, but that's just not realistic.
3. When we first started the tokens, I didn't do it with our youngest, who is three. I didn't think he'd get the concept of earning the tokens and cashing them in, but last week I decided I'd give it a shot. I had been listening to a webinar about discipline while maintaining attachment, and much of it was focused on behavior prevention instead of intervention. The speaker strongly recommended a reward system, so I thought I'd try with him. Oh my goodness. It is great! I can say, "Great job for putting those toys away! Now I'm going to give you a token!" Or, "Thank you so much for playing nicely with your sister! You earned a token!" One time, he even ran over to his siblings, and exclaimed, "Look guys! I earned tokens!" For him, 75% of the reward is getting the token in his fingers and putting it in the cup.
4. I have also used this reward system in the opposite direction. I might say to my oldest, "You have a bad attitude right now about your school work and if that doesn't change I'm going to have to take a few tokens away." It (usually) works.
5. Today we were at the store and my 8 year old was so excited to be spending his own money on Finding Dory. I told him that if he didn't have enough money, I would pay the difference and when we got home he could pay me back with tokens - for him 1 token = .25. He was so thankful when we got home and he didn't owe me anything!
Getting my kids motivated to do extra jobs around the house has also lifted some of the burden off of me, so not only are they learning how to pitch in, it frees me up to do more as well. Sure, I spend a lot of time handing out tokens, but for us, it's worth it. I've tried other things in the past, like charts with stickers, or check boxes, but those just haven't worked quite as well. I'm super glad that this has been working. Does anyone have a reward system that has worked well for your family?
Someone once said to me that their son didn't want to adopt from foster care because he "didn't want to adopt someone else's problem." My response to this terribly misinformed statement:
1. The kids are not the problem! They have been removed from their home because of something their parents did to them, or didn't do for them. Do they have challenges? Yes, but only because they are a child trying to process the things that have happened to them in their short life.
2. Children are not a "problem." This mentality is so prevelant in our society. Children are seen as a burden. An inconvenience to our lives. In fact, children are a blessing, and it is a privilege to raise them and teach them about life.
I am super excited, because just this week, I've had two friends tell me that their families are considering foster care! The more we get the word out, and the myths busted, more homes will be open to more kids!
This came in my e-mail this morning, so I thought I'd pass it on:
The other day I realized that my overall attitude about my household work has been much better. My everyday tasks are less of a burden, and I haven't been complaining about them nearly as often as I have in the past. When I mentioned this to my husband, he said that he had been noticing the same thing! It wasn't all in my head!
I think that this is due to many factors, but I'm convinced that a HUGE reason is because I have been giving myself "days off." This is something that Sidetracked Home Executives (and the Bible) says is very important.
I've been giving myself Sundays and Thursdays off. This doesn't mean that I don't do the essentials like feed my family, but I don't have to do any extra jobs on those days. In the past, my husband encouraged me to do this, but I always whined and ranted that there was no possible way I could take a day off, because if I take a day off, then on Monday I have extra to do, because no one has washed the dishes, or picked up, and I start the day already behind.
I don't feel like this anymore. I'm pretty sure that since I've been taking days off, I am more productive on the other days. For instance, the other day was my daughter's birthday, so I made a bigger breakfast than normal, baked and decorated a birthday cake, wrapped presents, AND cleaned my entire fridge, washed the inside of all of the windows, washed all my dishes, homeschooled my children and cleared everything that had accumulated on my countertops throughout the day, among other miscellaneous tasks. I felt like Superwoman!
Then yesterday, when my mom called to see if I could meet her and my sister for lunch, I felt free to say yes, because it was my day off and I knew that the jobs would get done the next day.
There's a reason God made the Sabbath for us. He knows that we need rest, and He supplies us with the strength we need to "catch up" on the other days of the week.
One of my favorite words in the english language is "organized." I am always searching for new ways to get organized. My love of organization started early, but was a little misguided. Remember, I am not someone who was born organized, but I wish I was.
I am about to share a story that I'm sure will be passed down for generations to come in my family, as one of life's lessons. It's one that I'm not proud to share, but it illustrates the challenges with my desire to be organized.
When I was about 13, in an attempt to organize my dresser, I decided to sort my top drawer using paper bags. My underwear in one paper bag, labeled with a sharpie marker, my socks in another bag, labeled of course, and so on; with everything that might be in the top drawer of a teenaged girl's dresser.
One afternoon, my older sister walked into my bedroom, and like older sisters do, asked me with brutal honesty, "Melissa, why does your room smell so bad?" Apparently I had been in there so long that I couldn't smell it.
We searched for the source of the stench, and finally determined that it was coming from the top dresser drawer.
Who knows how many months prior, my mom had sent me upstairs to clean my room. There was a bunch of junk on the top of my dresser, and out of pure laziness, I opened my top drawer and dumped it in. Unbeknownst to me, one of the items that I swept into my top drawer was a sack lunch that I had apparently not eaten at school. If my memory serves me right, there was a ham sandwich on white bread (it wasn't white upon discovery) and a rock hard Little Debbie Oatmeal Sandwich (which I could not stomach many years later).
The theory is that since my top drawer was "organized" with brown paper bags, I didn't notice that there was an unmarked imposter lurking where it wasn't supposed to be.
The clothes that were in the entire dresser needed to be washed and the drawers themselved had to be aired out for days outside in order to free them of the smell, and I couldn't even sleep in my room that night because of the odor that had been unleashed. (I still can't figure out how a middle schooler could walk around school with clothes that most likely smelled rotten and not have at least one person comment.)
This, my friends, was my attempt at organization that completely backfired.
Moral of the story: Never organize your underwear drawer with paper bags.
I gave up on lists a few years ago. Now, this was no small thing for me, because I love lists. They help me remember things. And I love to check something off....I used to even add something to the list that I had done just so I could check it off. It gave me a sense of accomplishment.
Then I realized something. I was being held captive by my lists. I would look at all the things I DIDN'T do at the end of the day and feel like a failure. Then, I would move all those undone things to the next day's list, just making that day's list of tasks insurmountable. And the cycle would start all over again.
So for several years now, I haven't had any accountability for things that needed to be done around the house, and it was (kind of) freeing, but I also know that I wasn't getting things done that needed to be done. I think I needed the break because I was obviously too tied down by my lists. At the same time though, my house has been a mess, and I was crabby about it.
If you read this post, you know that I needed something to help get me back on track. Not back to lists though.
This is the "notecard system" that has truly helped me. One main reason I like it better than lists is because it frees me from the overwhelming pile-up of lists. Here's how:
To set up your notecards, you put one job on one card. You then file it under the days of the month. You might have some jobs that you do daily, some weekly, monthly, seasonaly, etc. (as often as it needs to be done). When you do the job, you put it in the file box on the next day that it needs to be done. For example, if today is the 11th of the month, and I do a weekly job, I refile the card under the 18th. BUT if I didn't do the job, I write "skipped" on the bottom of the notecard, and file it on the 18th. I don't file it in tomorrow. I'm free. All I have to do tomorrow are the jobs that are filed under tomorrow's date. (The catch is that come the 18th of the month, I HAVE to do that skipped job.)
Believe it or not, I kind of have to give myself a little pep-talk to let myself file it a week later. I feel like it should go in the next day's pile, probably because my brain is so used to how I have always done lists.
In reality, before I was doing this system, the floors weren't being washed on a regular basis, so if I skip it now and do it one week later, I'm already ahead of what I was doing before. A win win. My house is cleaner, and I'm not held captive by my tasks.
I haven't perfected it. My house will probably never be perfect, but I am making great progress!
When I was in high school, my mom used the words "domestically challenged" to describe me to my then boyfriend's mom. I was very insulted!. I was NOT domestically challenged!
Fast forward about 18 years.....
I was staying at my parents' house for the weekend with my 4 kids last month. My mom and I were reading through some conversation starter questions and one of the questions was, "What is one thing you'd like to change about yourself that will probably never change?"
My answer: "I'd like to not be so messy, but I've always been messy, so I don't think that will change." There. I said it. In that one sentence I admitted that I just MIGHT be domestically challenged.
Try as I might, I always have a mess. I can get it cleaned up, and then a few days later it mysteriously shows up again! I could blame it on the kids, but honestly, our house was messy before the kids came along. It is going to take a huge transformation and change of habits to get this out of me.
About a year ago, after we had added a toddler to the family, my house was messier and more disorganized than normal. It was Sunday morning, and my husband couldn't find his shoes when he was heading out the door for church, so he had to throw on some fake leather clog-type shoes. Then, he felt that it was necessary to point his shoes out to the congregation during his sermon, mentioning that our house was a little under par. This prompted a kind woman in the congregation to offer to come over and help me clean my house. Humbled, and grateful, I accepted her offer.
She told me the story of when she had young children and didn't even answer the door because her house was unpresentable. Thankfully, her experience helped her to understand the place that many mothers are in. So, when she walked into my home with messy counters, and floors that hadn't been washed for who knows how long, she didn't judge. She understood. (Mental note: Be like that in 20 years!)
She also asked me if she had ever shown me her notecard system of keeping house. I answered no, but wasn't quite at the place where I was ready to take on something new.
Fast forward a year, and I've asked, I have the book, I've asked her wisdom, and I'm implementing this system in my home. I havent perfected it yet, so if you stopped by right now as I type this, you'd still see a mess in my house, BUT.....
My dishes are clean, which by my standards makes my kitchen pretty presentable!
My bathroom floors were washed before 9:00 this morning. History in the making.
The iron stains have been scrubbed from the inside of the shower stall.
All the laundry is done.....not folded and put away, but done!
Every bed in house is made.
And I even took a shower this morning!
To some of you this might seem common-place, but for me this is progress!
Maybe I'll go from domestically challenged to domestically able after all!
(More on the system later. I might be able to write a few posts on this!)
This last month has been quite crazy. My husband was in Georgia for 3 weeks of training, came home for a week and then had another week of training in Colorado. We decided it would be best for the family if we went along for the week in Colorado, so we hopped in the car 9 days ago and took our first family road trip! In all, I think it was a success....staying in a hotel for a week with 6 people in one room, including a toddler who still needs naps, finding my way around Denver during the day while my hubby was in training, driving for hours straight with minimal meltdowns (thank you to whoever invented the DVD player).
Here are some photos of our trip in no particular order:
We camped in Custer State Park one night on the way home. My husband said I can't call it camping because it was in a camping cabin. This was the view just up the hill from our little cabin.
One day in Denver, we went to the Museum of Nature and Science. We spent several hours there, and could have stayed longer! The kids really liked the Minerals and Gems exhibit - especially the sparkly purple and pink ones! If you are ever in Denver, I highly recommend going here!
We had a little picnic outside the museum.
There was a giant elephant statue that the kids played on.
The kids had a lot of fun searching for the animals in these big dioramas.
View of Denver from the roof of the museum.
"Mommy, take a picture of me and the polar bear! I'm going to make this face so I look scared!"
One day, we drove up to Rocky Mountain National Park to do some hiking. Coincidentally, and very beneficially for me, my parents were in Denver at the same time we were, so they took this trip with us. T said several times, "Wow! What a place!" He has such a great appreciation for God's creation!
We spent a good chunk of time sitting on the edge of this stream watching the fish.
Sprague Lake
The kids wanted to swim every day....they didn't get their wish every day, but we did have lots of fun at the pool.
The Wildlife Loop at Custer State Park was a great drive. Our little man, A, now wants to buy a baby buffalo. Last night when I was putting him to bed, he asked, "Can we buy a baby buffalo?" I asked him what we would do with it. "Put it in the back." Then I asked what we would do once it got big. He said, "Pet it!"
Have I said thank you to the person who invented the car DVD player??? I was always opposed to them before children, and now that I have kids and go on long car rides, I realize that they are a sanity saver. The only down side is that now we are going through a little movie withdrawal.
We came home a little earlier than we had planned because we realized that we were all getting tired and could use a good night's sleep in our own beds (which we got last night). Yesterday morning, when we were leaving, I told the kids to get in the car and A cried, "I don't want to get in the car!" I think he'd had enough!
Now it's time to unpack and do some laundry.....which is why I am sitting here on my computer!
I thought I should do a quick update on the status of our adoption.
One week ago, we heard from the social worker that the judge ruled in favor of A staying with us and terminating his parents' rights. This is a huge step toward adoption, but we are still a few months away from the adoption being official.
The next step is to wait and see if they appeal the decision. If they do decide to appeal, then filing for that takes a few months. There are a whole bunch of deadlines in that process that I don't fully understand, and I'm sure you aren't interested in so I'll spare you the details, but that process takes about 3 months in total before the judges at appellate court make a decision.
If they do not decide to appeal the decision, we move into the adoption paperwork process, which from what I hear is more work for the social worker than it is for us. We just have to sign the paperwork that she prepares.
We are so encouraged by this progress, and are excited to settle in to our "normal."
We are one week shy of reaching 1 year since we met this little guy and welcomed him into our family, and it has been a huge year for all of us. We've grown in ways we never expected, and love him more than we could have imagined.
a historical account or biography written from personal knowledge or special sources.
2.
an essay on a learned subject.
I was a Pastor's Wife (PW for short) for a little more than 5 years, and I've been a former PW for 3 months. That makes it history. Throughout my time as a PW, I made some observations, learned some stuff that formed my personal knowledge on the subject. That makes my reflections a memior, right?
Without further ado, Memoirs of a Pastor's Wife:
I write these things to help the average church goer, and in turn, help their pastor's wives, because it's not something you fully understand until you've walked in those shoes, or mudboots, if you will. Yes, sometimes the position is messy. Most of the time it is not, but it can be kind of complicated.
PW's are people, just like you
Sometimes I think there's this assumption that the PW is somehow a better Christian, or holier than the average church member, but just because they're married to the pastor (who also is not perfect, by the way), doesn't mean that they have it all together, or have had a picture perfect life.
It is okay to be yourself around the PW. In fact, it is very refreshing when people are comfortable to be themselves.
Being a PW can be lonely
There might be many reasons for this, but there are a couple that I came up with during my time as a PW. One reason might be because people don't feel like they can be themselves. They don't feel at ease, so they don't want to be around the PW. It goes back to the point that people view the PW as a holier person. If you think that someone is better than you are, then it is our nature to not want to be around them. So, if you change your view of the PW, and realize she's a person just like you are, then you can be around her more easily. Another point though, is that maybe there are people who reflect Christ in a way that you desire to (maybe it's the PW, maybe it's not). It is always good to spend time with people like that, because iron sharpens iron.
Or maybe it's lonely because a lot of people assume that because you are the PW, that you already have a lot of friends, so you don't reach out. Don't be afraid to reach out to your PW and just be a friend.
The PW doesn't know everything
I can't tell you how many times someone came up to me at church and just started talking to me about something in their personal life that they had talked to my husband about, assuming that because they told him, he had told me. Sometimes I'd just smile, nod and ask clarifying questions. I probably should have been more bold and said, "You know, he didn't mention that to me, I didn't know _______." Sure, sometimes he would tell me things that were happening, but most of the converstations that he had at church were not talked about at home. So, if you want your PW to know something that is going on in your life, feel free to tell her.
They also don't know about every event going on at church. I intentionally made my main ministry to my husband and our family, but I often felt out of the loop because I was so involved with home life - and that was okay.
The PW cares about you
PWs care about the people in the church too. It might not be their "job," but they are in partnership with their husband in church ministry, so naturally they care. They care about the health of the church body, and about the health of it's people.
The Pastor's biggest fan is his wife
There were Sundays when my husband would get up to preach, and I would think, "That's MY husband!" I loved to hear him preach God's word. I loved to see him in his role as pastor.
This is the way it should be, because he needs someone who always believes in him no matter what, but it also makes it really hard when someone in the church is upset with him (which happens). The PW loves her husband as a man, and as a pastor, so when there is a conflict, the cheerleader wife becomes his biggest ally and defender. This makes church conflict particularily hard for the PW. Sometimes the pastor chooses not to share everything that is happening in order to protect his wife from bitterness that can take root. My husband shared some things with me because he is an outward processor, but I know he didn't share everything with me in order to protect me.
Being in ministry is a great privilege, and also a great burden. People are watching your every move (okay maybe not EVERY move, but when someone asks what you were doing up so late at night because they drove by your house and your lights were on, it kinda feels like it). Pastors and their wives want to be an example to people in their walk with Christ, their marriage, and their family, but remember that they are not perfect. The Pastor and his wife are sinners saved by grace, and are being sanctified day by day just like you.
This is one of my all time favorite pics of our kids - several years before we added our 4th blessing to the mix through foster care.
One of the many blessings in our foster care/adoption journey has been watching our biological children eagerly welcome someone new into our family. From day 1, A was their "baby" brother. They've asked countless times if he is going to stay with us In the beginning, I sometimes wondered if that question coming from our youngest was asked more out of a desire for him to go back, but that question now is undeniably out of hope that he will stay in our family. Recently, we were talking about this, and I told them that the day is coming very soon when the judge is going to decide for sure if A will be with us, or if he will go back to live with his parents. The kids are pretty convinced that he will be staying with us, and the oldest said, "That is going to be the best day! We are going to jump up and down and be so excited!"
I am so grateful that they have climbed on board so easily. There have been days when it hasn't been easy. When they've extended forgiveness. When they've listened to long tantrums. When we've had to pay extra attention to him when we might have been paying attention to them. But they still adore him.
Weary. That's the word that I am using to describe my state of mind right now in this road of foster care and adoption.
We gave our hearts to a little boy more than 10 months ago, and we continue to wait and see what the final outcome will be. For now, we keep doing what we're doing. That's been my motto whenever we've thought we were coming close to finality, only to be extended one, two months. We'll just keep doing what we're doing. We will keep parenting this adorable little guy. We will keep kissing his boo-boos. We will keep feeding him, and changing him. We will keep loving him.
Throughout this process, we've seen a lot of grace given to the parents, and questioned if the decisions being made were truly in the best interest of the child. For instance, our little guy needs to visit his mom after 7 months of no contact - twice next week. This visit will be observed by a well-respected attachment specialist, so I think it will be very telling, but at the same time we know that it will be very stressful for him.
Thankfully, we are on the home stretch, with court in less than a month, which will determine whether or not parental rights will be terminated. It seems as though the case is moving in that direction, but we've been surprised before!
Through it all, it has been helpful to remember that we are fighting a spiritual battle. I have an app on my phone that gives me weekly Bible verses to focus on. The last two weeks have been a timely reminder of this battle that we are fighting:
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.
Hello Readers,
Yes, I've been silent on my blog for a while. For a couple of reasons, but due to some technical difficulties on authenchomemaking.com, I have decided to revamp my old blog and get a new start. So, if you bookmark Authentic Homemaking, THANK YOU, and change that bookmark to: www.authentichomemaking.blogspot.com.
I'm excited to be up and running again! Thanks for reading!
3. When we first started the tokens, I didn't do it with our youngest, who is three. I didn't think he'd get the concept of earning the tokens and cashing them in, but last week I decided I'd give it a shot. I had been listening to a webinar about discipline while maintaining attachment, and much of it was focused on behavior prevention instead of intervention. The speaker strongly recommended a reward system, so I thought I'd try with him. Oh my goodness. It is great! I can say, "Great job for putting those toys away! Now I'm going to give you a token!" Or, "Thank you so much for playing nicely with your sister! You earned a token!" One time, he even ran over to his siblings, and exclaimed, "Look guys! I earned tokens!" For him, 75% of the reward is getting the token in his fingers and putting it in the cup.
