This year was our first official year of homeschooling, and I found myself saying to my son, "It's okay to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them," quite often. He would get frustrated when he got a math problem wrong, or couldn't quite sound out that new word on the page. I didn't want him to get discouraged and give up. Fast forward a couple of months, and I was talking to a friend who said that they had "messed up their kid." It got me thinking about the statement I frequently made to my son. We parents make mistakes in our parenting all the time. Like when we fed our son chicken nuggets and tater tots 5 nights of the week because it was a meal he could eat with his dairy allergy (and frankly, we wanted to eat dairy, so we just made him his own meal). Getting him to eat more variety has been a long road. Maybe he's picky, or maybe it was this parenting blunder. Maybe both. Or when I unnecessarily yell at my kids, or when I don't give enough time and attention to them because I'm busy doing my own thing, or when, or when.... I have wondered many times what my kids will say about our parenting when they are adults. What will they intentionally do differently as parents because they really disliked the way we did something? I know that I am not perfect, but I really do hope and pray that they will look back on their childhood and our family and have good memories, know that they were loved, and know that they are loved even more by the King of kings. What I really want them to say is, "My mom was perfect! We had the perfect family I want to do everything just like my parents did," but let's be honest, that's unrealistic!
So what do we do when we know we've made a mistake?
Be humble. Acknowledging our mistakes to our kids (and spouse, or anyone else for that matter) speaks volumes and brings healing. There have been times when I realized my parenting failures and gone to my kids to say, "I'm sorry for ________." Often, they've already forgotten, but the apology was not lost. Humility in our mistakes models for them how to be repentant of their own sins.
Give yourself grace. It's so easy to beat yourself up over mistakes you've made and think it's impossible to fix them. Or if all of your kids are grown and you realize the things you might have done wrong while they were growing, it's easy to dwell on those things and get depressed and discouraged. (This might be a good time to go back up to the "Be humble" point and talk to your kids about the mistakes you made. I'm pretty sure good things will come of a discussion like that) None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes and honestly, you never (at least I hope not) intentionally hurt your children. You are trying your best as a parent, and trying to make decisions for them that are God honoring.
I recently listened to a talk given by an author named Elyse Fitzpatrick called "Dazzling your kids with the love Jesus." She talked about a paradigm shift in parenting that is based on seeing your child as righteous before God if they've committed their lives to Him. This helped me realize that if my kids are counted as righteous before God even in their sins, then when I sin, I too am counted as righteous in God's eyes. This realization brought me to tears. I've been a Christ follower for nearly my entire life, and it took me nearly my entire life to fully grasp what God has done for me. I am so undeserving, because my sins are many, but the Holy God of the universe sees me as righteous because of the blood of His son shed on my behalf. We will make mistakes. We will sin in our parenting, but we are still righteous in the eyes of God. I stand in AWE!
Give others grace. Perhaps you are reading this as a grown child of parents who made mistakes. Join the club. I do not want to downplay the grievous wounds that some parents have intentionally, or unintentionally inflicted on their children. There are many people whose parents were not trying to do what God wanted for their children, but for those of you who were raised in homes where Christ was followed, remember that your parents were doing the best that they could do at that point in their lives. And they were trying to honor God in the process. Did they make mistakes? Sure. Do they regret the mistakes they made? Probably. Cut them some slack. The hard feelings don't do anyone any good.
Learn from your mistakes. My husband is one of the best examples in my life of seeking God's refinement. He is often asking the question, "What is God teaching me right now?" If we see our mistakes in this way, we can learn and grow. We have a couple of different options when we make mistakes. We can throw in the towel and give up, or we can ask God what He wants us to learn through it. I pray that it will be the latter in my life.
Along the way, we'll make mistakes, and it's okay. Some problems in life are hard, and the words on the page are hard to decipher. Remember that God is in charge. He knows the beginning from the end, and He loves your kids even more than you do. We can all learn from our mistakes and grow more like Christ in the process.
