Learning to Live Where God has Me

Writing this post has been on my mind for some time now; in fact I started a related post once, but didn't finish it because I really don't want to have it come across as pity-seeking, or to make anyone feel guilty. Rather, to share my struggle and subsequently what God has done in my life, and my family's life over the past several years. I write this for those who might be in a place (both literal and figurative) of discontent, and for myself, so I can remember this period in my life.

Last month marked the eighth anniversary of moving from the city to this small town. We had prayed for a small town, and God answered that prayer with a "Yes!" when my husband was called to pastor a church up here. I still remember the day we moved into the little white house on the corner. So many people from church were there to unload our moving truck, that everything was in the house in about 45 minutes. My whole family came up and pitched in to help us move. When the time came for them to drive back south, we said our goodbyes, they left, and I stood in the middle of the living room and cried tears of facing the unknown. An unknown town, unknown people, the unknown of living away from family. So many unknowns.

We knew that this is what God had called us to, and we were grateful for the many people who welcomed and befriended us (especially the ones who wanted to be our friends because of us, not just because we were the Pastor and his wife.) But still, those first couple of years were lonely for me. The winters were long, and I had two, then soon three young children cooped up in the house. It was also the first time I was a full time stay at home mom, so that could have contributed to my sense of loneliness. Not having adult conversation all day can take it's toll. ;) 

I'm not sure if in the back of my mind, I've always thought of this assignment in this location as temporary, but in the past couple of years, I've had this thought many times, "Oh my goodness. I think we might be here for a very long time." You could read that thought with a couple different tones of voice. Maybe you read it with a sense of joy, but most of the time that thought is accompanied by a feeling of something resembling dread, shock, and denial; even though those words seems somewhat drastic.

There have been many times in the past couple of years when I've just wanted to leave, but I knew all along that leaving would not be the solution to my discontent. God keeps us here for good reason.

When my husband made the switch from being a pastor at a local church to chaplain at a nearby prison, we thought we'd have to move to another state for a while, and then perhaps come back when a position opened up at the prison he wanted to be at. Instead, God made it happen so he could go straight to the prison that is in our area. We marvel at how He worked out all of the details - down to where our house is located, making his commute just a bit shorter. There's no doubt about his call to pastoring a local church, no doubt about his call to chaplaincy, and no doubt about his call for us to be here.

So if we prayed for a small town, and we have seen God's hand in the details, then why have I struggled to feel at home here? I don't necessarily know the why, but I do know that in the past two years God has been doing a big work in my heart. 

I've begun to accept that we'll be here for a while, with a little less dread at each realization. Our kids have made great friends, and for them, this is home. We've got a Godly church family who points us to Christ in all things. We have a group of homeschool friends with whom we gather weekly to study and play. (I always say that our co-op is my sanity that gives me perseverence in this homeschool thing.) Many things have come together that make living here, a place I have a love-hate relationship with, more of a love relationship.

I've also come to realize that through pain, God brings about tremendous growth and blessing.

Genesis 50:19-20 says, "But Joseph said to them, 'Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.'" 

Joseph's brothers, who had sold him into slavery were before him, afraid that he would punish them for their actions years before. Instead, Joseph saw God's hand in all of it, even though along the way he was enslaved, unrightfully accused, and imprisoned for years. Though I might wish certain things didn't have to happen the way they did, I am grateful because through trial has come deeper faith and greater contentment.

This photo and the race my kids participated in today is symbolic for me. Last winter, we found some second-hand cross country boots and skis and tried our hand cross country skiing. This is significant, because cross-country skiing is part of the culture here, and we hadn't done much with it until almost seven years in. We joked that since we'd been here for seven years now, it was about time we started participating in things. For me it symbolizes settling in; engaging in the traditions around us; acceptance.

God has us in this place, and I am learning to live here and now instead of waiting to live somewhere else. Though it's been hard, it's also been rich with blessing.

When God Disciplines His Children

It was 8:00. The time of night when my patience usually is gone for the day. The time when all I want is to get the kids in bed, and do my own thing for a while before I go to bed. If any of my kids have extra needs after they are in bed (like a drink of water, a trip to the bathroom, or a bedtime snack....you know, the usual stall tactics), I'm not usually excited to oblige. This is MY time!

Then I heard it. A strange, soft sound coming from my son's room. Then louder cries. I hurried to his room, because he doesn't cry much at bedtime anymore. When I saw him, he was covered in puke. I stood there. Somewhat at a loss, not knowing what to do first. He was crying, and really just wanted me to pick him up, but I'll admit that I really didn't want to cuddle at the moment.

I finally got my bearings, enlisted help from daddy who got him bathed and snuggled while I changed his bedsheets.

Apparently in addition to honing my vomit-cleaning skills, God had a deeper lesson in this for me. The next morning, I opened up "New Morning Mercies," by Paul Tripp, and the main point for the day was this: "Christ's sacrifice satisfied the Father's anger so that, as his child, you will receive his discipline but need not fear his wrath." This particular day had two scripture passages to read.

The first was Hebrews 12:7-11:
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom    his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then    you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 

Oddly, there is comfort in knowing that the discipline that I received from God is proof that I am his daughter. As I read through this passage and thought about the night before, I saw that God was truly teaching me something. It wasn't pleasant, but he used my sick son to discipline me, and it was for my own good. I could choose to view it as an annoyance, or I could choose to view it as a chance to grow in righteousness.

Job 5:17 & 18 was the next passage that I read.
 
Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; 
therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty.
For he wounds, but he binds up;
he shatters, but his hands heal.

The impatience that shows up promptly at 8:00 nearly every night is rooted in selfishness. It is about what I deserve, and I deserve a break! What I need to learn over, and over, and over again is that life is not about me. Life is about serving God through serving my children, my husband, and those around me. And what a better way to teach me to serve, than to use a puke-covered child and bed during MY time?

God disciplined me that night. Like the loving Father he is, He taught me that even though I think I have nothing left to give, He can work through me to show compassion to a sick child. That when I think my time belongs to me, it in fact belongs to Him. That my impatience is sin, and it needs to be replaced by kindness. That He loves me, and like I discipline my children because I love them, He disciplines me because of his love for me.

Master Bath Make-over

I've posted before about my Christmas present that my husband gave me in 2016, but if you don't recall (I don't really expect you to remember what I got for Christmas), my husband gave me a bathroom remodel. We laugh about it now, because he thought it would be something like a coat, or two of paint on the one sheet rocked wall in the bathroom and some new linoleum on the floor, but I had other ideas. Hence, the reason it has taken a year to finish the project! He took on some things that he's never done before, and he did a pretty good job if I do say so myself!

Our master bathroom was a selling point for us when we bought the house. It was like the cherry on the already very tasty sundae. We walked through the property, and the house trying not to show too much excitement to the realtor. Then when we went into the master bath, it really solidified that we loved this house!

As it is when you live in a place for a while, you figure out ways to make it your own, and the bathroom was one of those things. Not that I disliked the bathroom...well, except maybe the pine cone border. But I wanted to tweak it a little - okay, a lot.

Here are some before pictures:

 
You can't see the pine cone border, but it's on the cream colored wall.

And some during pictures:

And the finished product! I really, really like how it turned out, and can I add that I'm thankful for my handy husband who tackled a huge project for me?

A Day in the Homeschool Life

A friend recently asked me what our typical homeschool day looks like. What followed was a response that was probably more than she expected, because the writer in me just kept on going as I told her through a facebook message what our homeschool day looks like.

I thought I'd share my thoughts here too in case someone else can glean something from it. Every family works differently in their home school, and different things work for different people, so I don't expect anyone to copy exactly what we do, nor do I try to do things exactly the way someone else does. We can learn from each other, and apply what works.

Here's what we do:

When the school bus goes by, we are still in jammies, and often eating breakfast while watching a morning cartoon. I try to spend this time upstairs reading my Bible, which is a key factor in how our day goes.

I have a visual list on the fridge that helps the kids remember what things they need to get done in the morning. They need to get dressed, make their bed, brush their teeth and hair, and do one chore for the day. Sometimes all of it gets done, sometimes it doesn't. It depends on how much I hold them to it. Some days are better than others.

Our school day usually starts around 9:00; it's flexible. Each kid has a day when they decide what order we do our subjects, so every day looks different. We started doing this a few years ago because  I discovered that my oldest functions best when he has a little control over his school day.

At the beginning of the week, I fill out their binders with their assignments for the week, and this is where they go multiple times a day to choose their next subject/assignment to work on.

On Mondays, we have co-op where we have science, art, spanish and piano, so in my opinion, that's enough for one day for my first grader. My third grader does at least math after co-op. More on our co-op in another post. They are such a blessing, and sustain my homeschooling sanity!

We take Thursdays off, because my husband's days off from work are in the middle of the week. Saturday is our catch-up day in case we missed anything during the week.

We used to school in the basement, where we have a cute school corner, and a great closet where all sorts of homeschooling supplies are stored, but as the year went on, we'd end up at the kitchen table. So this year we started at the kitchen table, which works so much better for me because I can multitask throughout the day. While the kids are working independently, I can be making meals, doing laundry, or any other task I have to do and still be available to answer questions.

This is right by the kitchen table so all their books are easily accessible.
Eventually, I want a book shelf here, but for now, we are making do with an end table from the basement. 

After the subject is chosen, each child gets the book for that subject (if they all have assignments in that for the day) and sits around the table.....or sometimes not at the table.

This one likes to sit on the heat vent when the furnace is running.

Rule-follower child usually chooses the table.

And this child likes to make her own "desk" if I let her.

I like to say that we are "flexibly structured" in our day. We usually do a couple of subjects, then take a break. Do another subject, have a snack around 10:30, play, and do another subject until lunch. Eat, play, and then back at it. Our breaks are sometimes short, sometimes long. There are times when the kids get playing something, and they are so engaged in their imaginary play that I don't want to stop that. I am a firm believer that pretend play is important for learning and brain development.

Forts, forts and more forts! 

Some "phys ed" going on!

Some of the kids' curricula are things they can do on their own with a little help from me along the way. Some of it is reading chapters in a textbook, which at this stage in schooling is read outloud by me. While I read, the kids often sit at the table and color a sheet that pertains to the lesson I'm reading. For instance, when we were learning astronomy at the beginning of the year, I printed free coloring sheets of the planet they were learning about (the internet is a homeschooling mom's best friend, but it can also be our worst time-sucking, overwhelming enemy because there's just so much out there!). I find that this helps keep them more engaged in what I'm reading. I can stop and ask questions along the way and find out that they've been listening. Even the four year old chimes in every once in a while and I know that even though I don't require him to sit, he's still listening!

Sometimes, there are sweet moments like this where an older sibling helps a younger one. This is part of homeschooling that I love.

If I'm really on top of my game for the week, I'll plan something special. By "plan," I mean that I'll take the plan out of the curriculum, and actually do the activity it suggests. Like the time we made a Thanksgiving feast with recipes that the pilgrims might have used to make the first Thanksgiving dinner. The meal was decent, but we won't be using any of those recipes on a regular basis (or ever again)!

Stealing Spanish doubloons off the opponent's ship!

As I type this, we've got 2 more subjects to go for the day, lunch is over, 2 kids are playing Legos, 1 is playing on the iPad and one is playing in her fort. I'll let them keep going until a fights break out, or I'm done with what I want to accomplish - whichever comes first. ;) We are usually done by 3:00, just in time for afternoon snack!

In case you are wondering, mingled in the midst of all of these smiling homeschooling faces is a bit of frustration, crying, firm reminders to get back to work, and fights over who stole whose pencil. It's not all fun and games.

I've learned that homeschooling is a huge commitment, but I am so glad we've chosen this for our family!

Love is Enough

There's this saying surrounding adoption that says, "Love is not enough." Those who promote this are trying to communicate that it takes a lot more than love to raise a child whom you adopt.

But, love is more than hugs, kisses, and warm fuzzy feelings.

  *Love is providing for their needs.

  *Love is getting up in the middle of the night.

  *Love is staying up while your child has night terrors.

  *Love is cleaning vomit up after your child projectile vomited off the balcony and onto your kitchen counter (not that this happened at my house. ;) ).

  *Love is discipline when needed.

  *Love is reading to them.

  *Love is setting boundaries.

  *Love is sitting with a tantruming child, reassuring them you are there.

  *Love is figuring out healthy ways to help them calm down.

  *Love is teaching not to hurt others when they're angry.

  *Love is asking for forgiveness when you know you've not handled a situation well.

  *Love is doing what's best for the child even when it means having your heart break.

  *Love is doctor's appointments.

  *Love is standing up for your child when they are treated with injustice.

  *Love is embracing new foods, and a different culture from your own.

  *Love is paperwork.

  *Love is a physically safe environment.

  *Love is giving your child nutritious food.

  *Love is celebrating milestones.

  *Love is serving, even when you get nothing in return.

  *Love is putting your heart on the line, because they might not love you back.

  *Love is figuring out what makes your child smile.

  *Love is recognizing trauma triggers.

  *Love is helping them process their trauma.

  *Love is providing a safe place for them to come.

  *Love is being the safe person to turn to.

  *Love is cleaning up accidents.

  *Love is holding them accountable for their mistakes, helping them correct them, and learn from them.

  *Love is helping them maintain a relationship with their birth family when possible, and recognizing when it's not healthy to.

  *Love is therapy sessions.

  *Love is praying with them, and for them.

  *Love is addressing your own issues that surface as you parent a child from a hard place.

  *Love is making them a part of your family.

  *Love is getting to know them for who they are, not who you hoped they would be.

All these children need is love.

PSA: A Good Remedy for Pet Messes

This dog. I can't even tell you how long we've had him, but he almost saw his last day here the other day. It's a good thing he's sweet, and cute, and patient with the kids, because it very well could have been the last straw. 

We've been struggling this whole time with incontinence, hoping that he'd eventually get it. We put him in diapers to help the messes (which really does help, normally). We take him out every 2 hours when we're home. I bought a bell to put by the door so he can tell us when he has to go. We thought maybe he had a bladder infection, so we took him to the vet. As it turns out, his bladder's not broken; he just has some serious separation anxiety, and an unhealthy attachment to me. Ha! A bladder infection would have been a lot easier to fix!

The other day, we were gone for several hours, and for the second time, he busted out of his crate, and pooped and peed (through his diaper) in several places around the house as he searched for me, his favorite person. 

Needless to say, I was NOT happy. When I found that he had wet on the backs of the couches, he was on my list of least favorite pets! I ran to the store to get some spray that specifically gets rid of pet smells. All it really did was make the couch smell like the spray mixed with urine. GROSS!

Last night, I found this remedy (click here to view) that I should have tried in the first place. So, if you run into this same problem (or your toddlers have potty accidents, since we all know that happens too), this seems to work. 

Now I kind of want to go and use this remedy on all my carpets, just because!

And in case you are wondering, we have now put an extra latch on his crate so he can't get out. For some reason, he can open a crate from the inside, but he can't grasp out how to ring a bell to go outside. Go figure.

Why I've Given Up on Parenting Books and Wrinkle Cream

At this point in my life, I'm working on my growth in the Lord for two specific reasons. As Christians we are being sanctified throughout our entire lives until we are in glory, and I pray that I never stop having the desire to grow and change to become more like Christ. But, in this season there are two things that have caused me to desire growth.

Reason #1:
So I can be a better mom.

Ever since I was a teenager, I've loved reading and listening about parenting and family life. In those years I formed many opinions about how to raise kids (and putting them to practice is much different than when they are theory. I like to say that I was a perfect parent before I had kids).

In more recent years, since realizing that this parenting thing is really hard, I will read snippets here and a book there about how to discipline best, how to not emotionally damage my children, how to (fill in the blank). You name it, it's out there. A lot of people have opinions and theories on the best way to raise kids, and it is all so accessible.

A few weeks ago, I realized how damaging those things have actually been to my parenting. Okay, that's maybe an exaggeration, but I noticed it after I read an article about parenting (I don't even remember what it was about now). I started questioning myself as I interacted with my kids. Thinking, "oh no, maybe I shouldn't have done that because now they are going to have a complex." There's so much pressure to be perfect; to have it all together.

So I decided to quit learning how to be a better parent. Instead, I want God to sanctify me so that out of the overflow of my heart, I can parent my children well. When I am following close to God, I can only think that good things will follow in my children's lives as well. They will see that I am less self-centered. They will see that I get angry less often. They will see that I help them get to the heart of their issue instead of only addressing the surface issues. They will see that I treat my husband with respect. They will see that I am in the Word more. They will see joy instead of bitterness.

Reason #2:

So my inner beauty shines as I get older.

There are a few more gray hairs on my head lately; more than I care to pull out of my head. The skin around my eyes is a little loose, with some laugh lines at the corners, and my forehead wears the wrinkles of many raised eyebrows. 

I could search for the latest wrinkle cream, or run out and buy a box of hair dye (I will probably do that eventually, just not quite yet.) But I know that no matter what I do, I am going to get older, and my body will show the signs. Instead of focusing on the outward evidence of age, I want to be an older, wiser woman of God who speaks truth, gives grace, and shows love to those around her. And if I want to be that woman in years to come, it only stands to reason that I need to allow God to work out my salvation through sanctifying me now, so that when I am older and fully gray, I will be wise; not perfect, but wise.

"Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life." Proverbs 16:31

I was listening to a podcast yesterday with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, and she put words to these thoughts that I've been having. These are her words: "When you’re young, there are some character defects—whether bitterness or selfishness or pride—that can be covered up or glossed over with youthful energy, good looks, natural ability, or natural personality. But as you get older and those physical, outward things fade away, if those character defects have not been sanctified, they’re going to become more pronounced and more visible." If you want to listen to this in it's entirety, you can go to God's Beautiful Design for Women.

Often I've wished that I could have the wisdom of a grandma right now in these days of parenting young children, but then I realize that part of what made those older women wise was going through these years. So I'll wait, and while I wait I'll learn and ask God to help me grow and give me wisdom.

I've voiced this to a couple of people in the last couple of weeks, and I wonder if it has come out as more self-focused than I intend it to be. Our culture is so ME focused. Serve yourself first. But, that is not biblical and that is not what I am getting at.

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others 

more significant than yourselves." Philippians 2:3

What I desire is for Christ to be so evident in my life, that it effects every area of my life. To God be the glory for what is has done, is doing, and will do in me and through me!